How To Transform A Money Conflict
I was recently working with a couple, and we started noticing a dynamic come up in their communication around money. This pattern would trigger increasing conflict, and would take them down a path where success was not going to be created.
So I paused the session, and acknowledged that it was a good time to learn a new way of communicating, especially around edgy topics that may trigger both of them to go into old patterns and dynamics in their partnership.
Today, I want to share a communication process that you can use in your partnership to navigate difficult or triggering topics. This blend was learned from both Non-Violent Communication Technique and some from my mentor.
The Money Conflict Buster
1) Stop and acknowledge the dynamic.
When a couple is in a communication pattern around money that starts to feel disempowering, frustrating, or like it’s not going to go anywhere, or like it’s a repeat of the past, then it’s time to stop.
And the first way to stop can be by simply saying: “Hmm, I’m really noticing some feelings coming up as we’re talking about this, and these feelings are really challenging for me.” Or “Let’s take a time out because it seems we’re in an old dynamic, and it seems like a good time to try a new way of communicating.”
One person has to be able to recognize that something is not going well, and has the courage to stop the conversation, and communicate around what’s really happening.
2) Examine and share the underlying feelings.
One person can start with sharing how they’re feeling. For example “I’m feeling triggered” or “I’m feeling angry,” “I’m feeling frustrated,” or “I’m feeling really shut down and like I don’t even know what to say.”
Once that acknowledgment happens, the same person can speak about what they think is really triggering their emotions, such as "I’m noticing this feeling of anger, because it seems like you’re not hearing me and you keep overriding what I’m saying.”
This step is about getting to the underlying feeling under the emotion or trigger — identifying what caused the feeling to arise.
3) Make a request.
In this step, the same person who shared their emotions can now make a request — communicating what they think they need, in the form of a request.
For example “I feel like I need you to not respond to me right now, and hear what I have to say” or “I feel like I want some kind of acknowledgment around my financial contribution” or “I need help in managing this weeks’ cash flow.”
4) Ask whether your partner can fulfill the request.
After making a request, you can ask your partner “Do you think you can fulfill that request?”
Your partner has an opportunity to say “Yes, I can do that” or “No, I can’t do that, but here’s an alternative.”
If your partner feels they can’t meet the request, they have the opportunity to propose an alternative, and you two can go back and forth until you come to an agreement.
The person who can’t meet the request can self-reflect and examine why they think they’re not able to meet the request, and can speak their own needs and requests as well.
Your partner may share something like “Wow, I think I may have gotten triggered because the past conversations we’ve had around this topic haven’t gone well, so I automatically reacted from the past.”
Self-reflection gives an opportunity for both partners to take responsibility for the breakdown in communication or conflict arising.
5) Acknowledge something you love about the other person.
Conflict is very valuable. My mentor has taught me a lot about conflict and conflict resolution — and we need to be able to do both. To not avoid conflict, but to be able to meet it with wisdom and discernment.
Acknowledging something that we love or appreciate about our partner, or that they did or handled well during the dialogue, will bring back in the love.
** Bonus tip **
Here is something that works really well in my relationship. When I have tension arise in relation to the partnership, my partner often notices, and starts the conversation with some sort of acknowledgment, for example, opening by simply saying “My love, …”
Drawing upon a loving word of acknowledgment can instantly reduce walls around the heart. When he starts the conversation off this way, I immediately don’t want to be in conflict with him. It has an impact on my protections, and I will let down my defense system and try to hear what he’s really saying. Although simple, this is a really successful approach that can reduce conflict drastically!
How do you and your partner communicate around money and other edgy topics?
Are you able to pause and notice when old dynamics or difficult triggers come up?
Can you draw on this communication technique to leverage conflict and bring new levels of growth and intimacy to your partnership?
“When you get on the same page and consciously choose to partner up in your financial life, you can join forces to realize your dreams and joint financial vision, drawing on each other’s gifts and talents.”
Ready to ignite, build, and solidify your financial partnership? To learn more about Couple’s Financial Coaching, click here and book your complimentary discovery session.